D.O.A  

When we were filming the music video for this track,  I wanted to be 100% hands-on with it for the visual direction. I wanted to capture the emotions of fresh soldiers who were headed off to their first deployment. The scores title, D.O.A., is an acronym for "Dead On Arrival". Whether or not you are one of those who have the luxury of coming back from war,  many fail to realize that the version of you who enlisted is not the same person who comes back out. More often than not, we assume the military to be a place of physical violence & a land for casualties; rarely do we consider the mental death to oneself that takes place during, and silently follows along afterwards. When you are face-to-face with another human being, separated by only the pull of a trigger, there is a moment of moral obligation a soldier faces: obey the orders the world gives you, or align with just commands.  As a believer, while writing this song, I drew heavy parallels between the life led by a soldier and the life of one who carries their cross. It is easy to obey instructions your sergeant gives you- especially when surrounded by thousands of others who are doing the same.  Going against the grain is forbidden in the military. A while ago, I read about a Lieutenant General named Lewis Chesty Puller, who was a highly regarded US Marine Officer.  Known for the line "if they (your fellow troop) start to pull back from that line, even one foot, I want you to open fire on them". While writing this album, I reflected on when I first read that line & instantly was reminded of how quickly Christianity is met with ridicule & punishment. In the word, we are told that humans are born evil due to the fall of man, and that salvation can only come from Jesus. The same way a soldier must deal with their morality in the face of their life being threatened by the world is a parallel to the way one must bear their cross. The moment you enlist, as well as the moment you are born, both are considered Dead On Arrival.
I have an entire Google Doc for this song here! 

  Dear John  

“Dear John” is unfortunately a military term that was common in the 20s-50s during wartime. The term is in reference to the soldiers who would receive letters from their spouses back at home explaining how they are leaving them. “Dear John” was the most heart wrenching phrase that got passed around among bases, cutting one of, if not the only, string you had to connect you to the outside world. Your peace, & your home were immediately ripped away, hearts would drop at the first words in a line of severance. Dear John is written from the perspective of the wife of a soldier who has decided that distance is the saw that will cut the tie to her marriage with our soldier. With his only line in the song being "I'm coming home from battle- Don’t walk away- Baby, put your bags down, - Please I’m coming back” a yearning plea for his love not to be separated from him. 

  Harbor  

I came up with the name "Harbor" before fully writing out the track. I was about halfway through when I felt like I could take a break & think about what I was writing, and what I was writing it for. While I was considering these things, I thought back to the different people I know who are/were in service, and what life may have been like for them when they first enlisted vs when they were signing their final set of paperwork for release.  Harbor is a special word; it's a rare one that holds two meanings. A dock of sorts that witnesses one's first arrival, or a final departure- holding a moment of space for those in seeking refuge. Giving safety & rest for a time to those who need it. Its also the act of us quietly holding onto something, a soft ache that we keep a special place for in our hearts- that our minds might not have had the time to catch up to, among chaos. The way a marine or navy troop submits immense gratitude before the land he’s taken for granted when he is finally released of the weight of war. 

  Deconstruct  

  Masskill  

We were playing in our room that was just to the right of our dad's, our door was open, and the TV was off. A 2-bedroom condo in Santa Clarita, which housed us a few years after my dad got out of the Army. Our heads darted up as we heard a rushing movement that came from the hall to our dad's room. A man dressed entirely in uniform, armed, ran past our door down the stairs. I couldn't recognize that man as my dad, nor did the severity of the situation mean much to me due to my age. I just continued playing with my toys- my brother as well. That memory quietly creeps into the back of my head, brought up between my brother & I every so often. As I grew older, I began to realize what PTSD was and just how detrimental it is. Masskill & its visualizer paints us a picture of the moment a soldier is snapped back into his role as a stone-cold killer. While stationed in a foreign nation, our troop has some spare time in the land where it is currently deployed. After seeing the atrocities of war, he assumes going back to pre-war habits will get him to feel some sort of normalcy. Still dressed in his uniform, armed with his rifle, he makes his way into the club. As he enters the venue, the sudden flashes of strobe lights, loud music, and crowds of people break him. As the crowd stares at him in curious fear, our view is obstructed by someone. As we regain a view of our soldier, he is dressed to the 9's. Everyone's disapproving gaze now turned to a roaring cheer as he approaches a woman, he begins to dance with. While they dance, our view is again obstructed, this time by a pillar. Regaining our view, now in reality, we see all of the club members lying on the floor, dead. Our lead has claimed the lives of everyone in attendance. The music continues, holding an eerie taste of reality where, regardless of what you may have endured, the world keeps turning. All of the lyrics in this track are double-entendres. Maintaining a dancy rhythm. Every recruit who makes it home is expected to integrate back into society. The same way I didn't understand the severity of PTSD when I was 6, is often how I feel people, and even soldiers themselves, understand PTSD. How can you possibly know when you will break- or what will cause you to snap when you come back home? To be expected to fit back into the world like you never left is an incredible demand, often from people who have never experienced the torment themselves.

  The Game  

So often we look to our soldiers as honorable war heroes, which of course is much deserved, but how often do we perceive and consider the spouses of our military as honorable? Being separated from your husband or wife for at least 2 years ( the minimum contract for the military) is no small ask. How straining and lonesome it can be to your significant other, fearing your safety, rarely being able to get in contact with you, let alone seeing you. The Game follows an unfortunate common reality for military marriages- taking the perspective of a wife who so badly desires her husband, who has returned home from service, to love her the way he did before being deployed. Realizing he is no longer the man she once burned for before he was sent off as a pawn in the game of nations, she must come to terms that she will never regain the reciprocation she so desperately longs for. Following the fate of many other military marriages, she decides to leave our soldier. 

  Hangin' on  

A conversation between a dying soldier & his sergeant as he is laid waste, left behind by his crew. Fading in & out of consciousness after 8 hours of waiting, though wounds have been inflicted onto him by foreign troops, he is hanging onto his life best he can. As he awaits word back from his regime officer, hes finally been contacted through the walkie-talkie signal. With this, he expresses how he cannot hang on any longer, that he is fading away. In a routine way, our sergeant tells him he hasn't been given permission to die and that the mercy team is on their way to keep him alive. 

  Detonate